Now, how did I end up in a toxic marriage?
After all, I am a highly educated woman, with a Bachelor’s degree from the US and an MBA from the UK; well-traveled, well-versed in 4 languages,.... with my own business.... what happened?
Being a codependent has nothing to do with our abilities, or accomplishments or intelligence. It has to do with our childhood. It has to do with the “role” we took on within our families.
If someone demanded a lot of attention in our family of origin (it could have been our father, or mother, or a brother, or a sister), many of us decided not to demand any. That was our contribution to the family’s well-being.
In essence, we sacrificed our needs for those of the greater good. And this helped us to gain popularity and acceptance within our family. We were rewarded for this behavior. So... why change?
As we grew up, and it was time to choose a partner, we naturally and automatically were attracted to someone with whom we could continue playing the role we knew so well. After all, this had become our identity.
This someone had to be highly demanding, always putting his needs above ours... because that was the role that he was used to play.
Isn’t it logical? Whenever I want to beat myself up for choosing someone like that, I remind myself that at that point in my life, that was the only type of person I could choose. Because that was the only type of person that felt “normal” for me. That was my “destiny” at that point in time.
The beauty of life is that we don’t need to stay in the same situation. In fact, we can change our destiny!
Sure, it is “difficult” to change. But the only difficulty resides in the fact that we are doing something that we are not used to do - something unsual.
That’s the only difficulty: that we get so attached to what we are used to, that anything different from that seems wrong, scary, and dangerous. In fact, it can seem so scary, that our whole system can go on panic mode... we feel as though we could literally lose our life by attempting this change.
Which is how I felt so many times.... and perhaps you do too right now.
To be continued....