Updated: Feb 17
As women, in most parts of the world, we have learned to "behave properly" under all circumstances, to offer the other cheek, to shut our mouths, to smile, to be sweet, to be understanding.
Sure, there are times to do this, but women who are “too nice”, do this far too much!
They do this when it’s a good thing to do, and they do this when it’s a terrible thing to do.
Behaving this way is the main reason why we don’t have the life that we deserve. Of course, how could we? We’re so busy acquiescing to others’ wishes that we completely lose sight of our own.
In fact, our biggest fear in life is to upset the other person. Upsetting someone else creates a terrible sense of guilt and discomfort in us. That's why we always prefer to upset ourselves.
Oh, the things we will accept just to keep the "peace" at home or work!
Putting up with disrespectful behavior, taking sh*t with a smile on our face, giving up our voice, brushing aside emotional, verbal, and physical abuse!
Actually, we are experts at going against our own wishes… disrespecting our own dignity… ignoring and neglecting our own desires.
Just not to upset the other person!
Just because we never learned to honor our own point of view!
Just because we haven’t learned that it is OK to fight for what we believe in!
That is is OK for us to win, even if the other one loses.
That it is OK to have our wishes prevail over that of others.
Women who are “too nice” feel comfortable getting our way, only when nobody else is against it. Which actually makes it everybody’s way. If that’s what everybody else wants and we happen to want that too, then we can accept getting our way.
However, when there is disagreement, when someone doesn’t agree fully with us, we are so incredibly quick to give up!
I remember when I was going to apply to an American university - Macalester College - a wonderful institution committed to assisting international students with financial aid.
It was an extraordinary opportunity: obtaining a Bachelors degree in the U.S. thanks to a full-tuition scholarship - the dream of a lifetime!
I was about to submit my application when my dad heard about my plans and expressed his disagreement.
My reaction? Immediately, without hesitation, without missing a heartbeat, without uttering a single word in my defense, discarded the idea completely!
If it was not for my sister’s intervention - who convinced my dad otherwise - my life story would have been quite different.
But why didn’t I defend myself? Why couldn’t I stand up for my wishes, desires, dreams? Why couldn’t I even discuss it with my father?
I know why. Unfortunately and tragically, I was already a girl who was “too nice”.
I had already internalized the notion that anything at all is better than to have a fight, to create waves, to rock the boat, to anger someone, to upset a relationship.
Dear woman who is “too nice”, let me tell you that there is something much, much worse than upsetting someone else: to live your life dishonoring yourself.
When you dishonor yourself by not listening to your own voice and not standing up for your own values, you cannot have a fulfilling life!
You can be tolerated by people - even liked - but not admired.
You can be in a marriage, but you are not in a partnership.
You can have children, but they don’t obey you.
You can have colleagues, but they don’t respect you.
You can have a job, but no one is valuing your work.
In fact, because you dishonor yourself, others cannot help but dishonor you as well!
If you want to stop dishonoring yourself, you will need to fight for what you consider is right.
And guess what? Fighting requires getting angry! Exactly the very thing that you have been trying to avoid your whole life.
Give yourself permission to get angry when you need to, when you feel that an injustice is being done against you, when your needs are being ignored.
If your spouse, or your children, or your boss, or your colleagues, or your friends or anyone else is disrespecting you, or ignoring your voice, or dismissing your requests, or not taking into consideration your wishes or not ready to find a win-win solution - get angry!
People actually need to know that you are serious about what you want, that they need to pay attention to you and respect you.
And sometimes, that’s going to take yelling at the top of your voice.
That’s right. Yell. Shout. Scream. Curse.
Use any method you need to use to be heard. It's OK if the other person gets upset.
You have given in far too much. And for far too long.
Your anger is long overdue.
If you want to stop being "too nice", click on this link and let's have a chat: https://emotionalStrength.as.me/becomeKickAss